Soup: A Master Of The Universe’s Dream, by Michael Davis

You can’t make this stuff up, so we don’t!

Soup: A Master Of The Universe’s Dream, by Michael Davis - Straight No Chaser #106

Posted by Michael Davis at 20th February, 2009

When I first saw Tatiana’s article I thought WTF? I mean this is a pop culture and political web site and Ms. Look how everything I write gets tons of comments writes an article about a freakin pot and gets… tons of comments. I also notice NOBODY ever writes anything negative about what she writes.

Like I said, at first I thought WTF (If you don’t know what WTF means ask Tatiana she knows. She knows everything) but after giving it some thought I realize that Ms. I’m still getting hit on because of the photo I ran in my column is on to something. So instead of writing my thoughts on how we can achieve world peace or running the personal thank you note from President Obama in which he thanks me for delivering the Asian woman vote, I’m going to write a column inspired by Tatiana.

So here goes…

I like soup. I like to eat soup. When I’m really swamped with work and there’s no Asian woman around I make soup. I prefer soup I can microwave that way I can save time to get back to my many projects.

Sometimes I don’t finish my soup. You know what I do when that happens? I put the uneaten soup in my refrigerator. I find a refrigerator comes in handy when I want to keep soup cold. Hey now that I think of it I can keep other food cold also!

My mother made soup for me when I was a kid. I love my mother. You know what? I also love soup. I’m so busy I need something fast to eat like soup.

My Freelance Schedule works like this:

Wake up
Kick two Asian women out of my bed
Snuggle up with the third Asian woman
Reply to fan mail (that’s FAN MAIL Tatiana!)
Make soup
Eat soup
Refrigerate uneaten soup
Work
Watch All My Children
Nap
Yell at agents, lawyers, managers, Jasmine
Return calls from Halle Berry
Dinner, soup
Asian porn
Sleep and repeat

So I urge you take out that blah, blah, blah,blah, blah, blah, blah,blah soup.

Now, I want some comments!!!

Category : Straight No Chaser

Comments

Paul Smith February 20, 2009

So if you were thinking of making the soup would you use “not your mother’s death ray cookbook ?” or the “$7 a meal death ray coobook ?”

Alan Coil February 20, 2009

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Fine weather we’re having today.
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Well, you wanted a comment.
.

Martha Thomases February 20, 2009

Soup is the salad of winter. You can make a lot of it on Sunday, and have a different meal every night by adding a little bit of something new each day.

Mike Gold February 20, 2009

What kind of soup?

James February 20, 2009

You know, I used to be into soup. But then I discovered stews! And stews, well, stews are soup with a cow inside. Or pig. But not chicken. There’s something about bird meat that dissolves in water.

Y’know what? You should combiine your two favorite things! Asians and soup, into….

ASIAN SOUP!! Which, in all the seriousness that I can muster, is pretty freaky. I mean, honestly, I’ve seen some Filipino soups, and it’s basically a giant hunk of meat in a bowl, with some broth on it. Mostly the head of the animal, like a big ol’ goat head, boiled in soup, then put in a bowl and garnished with the broth.

So, okay, I guess sometimes your two favorite things don’t go well together. Like Macs and skydiving. No good together.

Carmen February 20, 2009

I knew you liked soup but I did not know you loved it so much. Now on to your daily routine. “Make Soup” really YOU making soup I just can’t imagine you in the kitchen making soup.

Or is it that by making soup you really mean that you pull out a can from your pantry open it up and heat it up. Is that what you mean by making soup?

At least now I know that as a gift for your birthday or Christmas I can always make you a pot of my delicious Meatball Soup.

Vinnie Bartilucci February 20, 2009

About a week after Thanksgiving the grocery stores start cutting the fresh turkeys up for parts. I buy all the backs and ribcages. If you have never added a turkey back into your chicken soup, you are missing a rare and wonderful treat.

I make chicken soup in four-gallon batches. I bought a deep freezer last year so I can cook in massive batches now and have leftovers for weeks.

Reg-E February 20, 2009

Awww man.. I’ve been almost OD’ing lately off of Wolfgang Puck’s Organic Vegetable Barley… enhanced with my own special blend of herbs and spices….and Sesmark sesame crackers …. sprinkled… sprinkled I said…with freshly grated parmesean cheese…

Umm. Excuse me…it’s lunch time.

Oh yeah… TATIANA ROOOOOCCCKKKKS!!!

Alan Coil February 20, 2009

My favorite soup is chicken noodle.

McCarthy February 20, 2009

Your Fast Cooker, or “microwave” article is the perfect complement to Tatiana’s article.

Whether or not it is also a compliment to Tatiana’s article is another matter.

But hey, a comment’s a comment, right? I only got three this week, counting the one I made. It’s forced me to develop a TAXES RAY.

Arthur Tebbel February 20, 2009

Wow I laughed really hard, super meta though. Although I think what Chris and I learned this week is the way to get a Tatiana-level of comments is to induce a politics flamewar.

Keu, Oh! So Pretty. February 20, 2009

The best way to get comments is to piss people off. Like when I proved, beyond any reasonable doubt, that it’s way, way, way better to be a man than a woman. Everyone knows that, though.

M February 20, 2009

I think you managed to hit a grand-slam and the bases were empty!!!

Hilarious Article!!!! I love your freelance schedule!

…I’m gonna have some soup now.

M.O.T.U February 20, 2009

Carmen wrote,

Or is it that by making soup you really mean that you pull out a can from your pantry open it up and heat it up. Is that what you mean by making soup?’

Here is my sort after soup receipt.

1.Open can
2. Microwave soup
3.Eat soup

LOOK CARMEN I’M A MAN! We don’t need any complicated instructions when we want to eat. Also while I’m at it-when we shop we don’t need hours to browse, we need a jacket we go to the store buy the jacket and leave the store.

We are easy Carmen-nor like a certain Tatiana who writes a article about a ‘pot’ and thinks that’s important to the masses. Below is Tatiana’s artical written by a man:

I have a slow cooker. It cooks slow.

M.O.T.U February 20, 2009

Paul Smith asked,

‘So if you were thinking of making the soup would you use “not your mother’s death ray cookbook ?” or the “$7 a meal death ray cookbook ?”

A ‘Death Ray’ Cookbook. NOW there’s an idea!

Oh BTW Paul, “The Death Ray Cookbook’ copyright and trademark MOTU.
Heheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheee..evil laugh

M.O.T.U February 20, 2009

Reg -E said,

“Organic Vegetable Barley… enhanced with my own special blend of herbs and spices….and Sesmark sesame crackers …. sprinkled… sprinkled I said…with freshly grated parmesean cheese…

WTF? The only thing ‘Organic’ about the stuff I’m eating is my mouth. I like MANLY soup filled with MAN food. So it’s meat, meat, some kind of broth and meat. NO-that’s not a ’stew’ that’s a MAN SOUP.

M.O.T.U February 20, 2009

Mike Gold asked,

“What kind of soup?”

M A N S O U P.

Shane Kelly February 20, 2009

M.O.T.U. wrote, “I like MANLY soup filled with MAN food.” and then he wrote, “M A N S O U P.”

So, Mike, I hope that you realize, that I MUST reply with a quote from, Shakespeare’s “Much Ado About Nothing”. This line is said via Benedick…

“There’s a double meaning in that.”

M.O.T.U February 20, 2009

M wrote,

“Hilarious Article!!!! I love your freelance schedule!’

Well HELLO of course you like my schedule, what man would not? That is assuming you are a man M. I make that assumption because there’s really nothing in my schedule that would appeal to a woman. Well, I guess watching ‘All my Children’ would but still the vast majority of how I roll is a MAN’S dream.

Yes, indeedeedo. I’m living the life of a man’s man. So M, as if that’s your real name. But maybe it is ,maybe your parents were to stupid to think of any other letters.

Is that it M? Were your parents dense? Were they…republicans?

I’m going to make another leap and assume that M is short for something. I make that leap because of your obvious intelligence and good taste based on your comments.

Enjoy your sou…wait a sec. Maybe you ARE a chick because there’s a M that comments on Tatiana’s stuff fairly often. All the guys who comment use their entire name. In an obvious attempt to curry favor with the hotness of the Tatiana.

OR…maybe you are so smooth that you don’t need to use your full name because that’s how you roll.

Or maybe not.

McCarthy February 20, 2009

Be careful not to get any “man soup” on your chin.

M.O.T.U February 20, 2009

Nah M,

I’ve come to the conclusion that’s just how you roll. Now because I have taken it among myself to assume you are cool as cool can be, you can no longer comment on Tatiana’s article’s.

Why? Well because us cool people The MOTU and The M (The M. You like that? You’re welcome) have better things to do than comment on someone’s writings when her only goal is be ‘cute and clever and everybody likes her and OH Tatiana ROCKSSSS and other shit.’

So it’s settled then. All the cool people will no longer comment on ’she who must no be named stuff.

So let it be written so let it be done.

Shane Kelly February 20, 2009

@ Mac… Well played sir.

LMAO

M.O.T.U February 20, 2009

McCarthy wrote,

“Be careful not to get any “man soup” on your chin.”

Yeah and you better watch your eyes and gag reflex smart guy.

M.O.T.U February 20, 2009

Hey Shane,

Look, you REALLY don’t want that tape on You tube do you buddy? I mean just how old was that sheep?

McCarthy February 20, 2009

Because I’m caucASIAN?

Shane Kelly February 20, 2009

M.O.T.U wrote, “Look, you REALLY don’t want that tape on You tube do you buddy? I mean just how old was that sheep?”

Hey!!!! Don’t blame me, you brought that sheep to the party, and said that she was of legal consenting age.

And when I asked how you knew that, you admitted that you had a thing with her mom, and she told you.

M.O.T.U February 20, 2009

Sorry Shane my last post to you was uncalled for.

Look, I lost your email address so I’m going to pass along a letter I got that was addressed to you. Again my above comment was out of line and I’m sorry. Here’s the letter sent to MDW some time ago that was addressed to you.

Dear Shane,

Who do you think you are mister? You just can’t play with my feelings and leave me here in the Forrest like a deer in the headlights! We had something, something GOOD. Please call me.

Bambi

P.S. Do you have McCarthy’s number. No biggie just a rash I want to tal to him about…holla!

M.O.T.U February 20, 2009

Shane,

The thing I ‘had’ with Bambi’s mom is she owed me money. Look at her now..

Martha Thomases February 20, 2009

We seem to have drifted away from soup. And I’m not sure the resulting game is something girls can play.

Unless we’re talking about egg-drop soup.

M.O.T.U February 20, 2009

Martha said,

‘We seem to have drifted away from soup. And I’m not sure the resulting game is something girls can play’

Or a nice tossed salad, which goes great with SOUP!

AND WERE BACK!

Thanks Martha!

M.O.T.U February 20, 2009

Let me try that again,

Martha wrote…”Unless we’re talking about egg-drop soup.’

To that I wanted to say-”Or a nice tossed salad, which goes great with SOUP!

Shane Kelly February 20, 2009

M.O.T.U. wrote, “The thing I ‘had’ with Bambi’s mom is she owed me money”

Well, well, well… Now the truth comes out.

You see, I didn’t want to say anything to the people on this tremendous webpage, because many of them are friends of yours. But, hell, if you’re going to basically admit it, and the You Tube Video is on it’s way to being posted, I may as well tell them WHY Bambi “owed” you money… It’s because she hired you to sleep with her!!! (gasp)

(somewhere an orchestra strikes in the background)

(cue drums, bass and tuba)
DUM
DUM
DUM
DUM

You see, I knew that she wasn’t the most attractive animal Mike, and I tried to dissuade you. You remember? I told you not to do it., that you would regret it, etc. But… You had to have it your way, and nothing was going to stop you from turning that trick, on that night (tsk, tsk tsk).

Was it worth it?

Hmmmm? Was the hoof in mouth disease worth it? Hmmm?

(sigh) But, that’s all in the past now, right? I still think it’s ridiculous that you took an I.O.U. for the services that you rendered her, on that eve.

What? What is everybody looking at? Too much? A little T.M.I. about our M.O.T.U. and him taking an I.O.U as a payment for a trick rendered to an unattractive animal?

You see, this is what happens, when you are sleep deprived and come to this board. I’m so ashamed… (runs and hides)

M.O.T.U February 20, 2009

Shame,

Why did you go and ruin Martha’s brilliant ploy to get the conversation back on the soup track?

Yeah, I paid but I paid for some venison that GOES WELL WITH SOUP!
See-back on track Shame.

Yes, I spelled your name Shame as in Shame on you for messing up Martha’s attempt to elevate the conversation back TO SOUP.

S O U P…with venison.

Mike Gold February 20, 2009

MOTU, Bambi’s MOM owed you money?

That was DISNEY, my friend. Disney.

Now, drive over there and collect.

Martha Thomases February 20, 2009

@ MOTU: Wouldn’t that be soup — with applesauce?

Vinnie Bartilucci February 20, 2009

“A ‘Death Ray’ Cookbook. NOW there’s an idea! ”

Nah, everything’d come out burnt.

I’m betting The death Ray doesn’t have a “broast” setting.

Shane Kelly February 20, 2009

M.O.T.U wrote, “Why did you go and ruin Martha’s brilliant ploy to get the conversation back on the soup track?

Yeah, I paid but I paid for some venison that GOES WELL WITH SOUP!”

I’m sorry, you’re right Michael. I apologize. You know me, I’m always looking to BUCK the system.

M.O.T.U February 20, 2009

Martha-LMFAO!!!!

To all others ‘applesauce’ is a private little joke between Martha and myself. Let’s just say that it’s funny…REAL FUNNY. I would share it with you but my career creating children’s TV shows would be over.

M.O.T.U February 20, 2009

Vinnie,

Nah-I would simply set the setting to ‘toasty’

E. Van Lowe February 20, 2009

I love soup, too. And you can even make it in a slow cooker. Just ask Tatiana!

Reg-E February 20, 2009

What? You talkin’ to ME?? You tryin’ to diss my appreciation of healthy, wealthy soup, by implyin’ that ORGANICS are for wusses???

And yet you’re the one all up on the MAN SOUP?? What’s up wid dat, yo??

….Smack! smack!!… Whaaa’ whatsa’ matter??? I said what to whom??

Ahem…. sorry bout that motu…. 2 days of watching DeNiro kinda screwed up my chems….

Carmen February 20, 2009

Boy as Martha said “the comments have drifted far far away from soup. From all the comments I can’t even see where things started to stray from soup to WHATEVER is being commented on now.

But MOTU that is what you wanted right. Are you finally happy at all the comments you have gotten so far?

Tatiana February 20, 2009

I’m at a loss for words at how much comments this article has inspired, based off of my slow cooker article!

I suppose I’ll take it as a compliment and smile as I eat my slow cooker dinner tonight.

M.O.T.U February 20, 2009

E. Van Lowe said,

“I love soup, too. And you can even make it in a slow cooker. Just ask Tatiana!”

Really? Ask Tatiana? I can’t, she no longer works here.

M.O.T.U February 20, 2009

Ex writer of a column at MDW wrote:

“I’m at a loss for words at how much comments this article has inspired, based off of my slow cooker article!

Who are you and how did you get this email address?

M.O.T.U February 20, 2009

Carmen wrote:

“But MOTU that is what you wanted right. Are you finally happy at all the comments you have gotten so far?”

No. I am hungry though.

McCarthy February 20, 2009

How about some man soup in the can?

Tatiana February 20, 2009

@ MOTU- “Ex writer of a column at MDW wrote:

Who are you and how did you get this email address?”

Meanie head!!!

stacey February 20, 2009

Okay… NOBODY WAS WRITING ABOUT FOOD TILL I GOT HERE…
wassup with dat? I had ham sandwiches and grits…now all of a sudden… nevermind! LOL

marc alan fishman February 20, 2009

I am in the middle of a literal 43 hour work day MOTU. Thanks for a laugh amidst one of the worst days of my life.

And I love a good chowder.

M February 20, 2009

@MOTU….
You are right.
I am M…And that’s how I roll. Where the name M comes from is insignificant.

Now I may be putting myself on the short-list for the MOTU Death Ray when I say this, but I can’t promise that I will not comment on the blogs of she who must not be named.

I will admit. I was impressed by that person’s ability to draw any form of interest from a slow cooker. And let’s face it…She also provided a great assist for your column. 50 + posts. (I think a personal record).

MOTU, you truly are a master and you keep a great court!

However! Let it be known! If I had to choose between “Work, work, and more work & some Stew” or “Asian Porn and a bowl of Mulligatawny”…. I go with porn and soup!

Martha Thomases February 20, 2009

The only way to get more comments is to talk about gay marriage. I suppose gays, lesbians, bi-sexuals, transgendered and questioning couples also register for slow cookers.

ed zarger February 20, 2009

If you’re going to be having soup…
Especially if you’re going to be having MANSOUP…
You want to be very careful not to get hit in the face with it.
Most people probably have no serious experience jumping over soup…
So… you guessed it … I’m recommending that you
DUCK SOUP.
Now, you may ask…
vWhyaDuckt?
You need to get the water for that soup somewhere.

Alan Coil February 21, 2009

Mark Evanier insists the best soup ever made is sold for one month out of the year, the tomato soup at Soup Plantation.

Jasmine February 21, 2009

Michael, i am honored to be on your list alongside the Asians and Halle Berry.. Thats gotta score me some major points!!!! AND although yelling at me does come after the asians in the morning, i do come BEFORE you return Halle Berry’s calls… WOOOO HOOOOO!!!!!!

McCarthy February 21, 2009

Are you caught up on ALL MY CHILDREN yet?

Reg-E February 21, 2009

Jasmine said…”AND although yelling at me does come after the asians in the morning, i do come BEFORE you return Halle Berry’s calls… WOOOO HOOOOO!!!!!!”

As SK said above… “There’s double meaning in that.”

Tatiana who??

Tatiana February 22, 2009

@ Reg-E: “Tatiana who??”

It’s just Tatiana- no last name like Prince or Madonna.

Reg-E February 22, 2009

>> It’s just Tatiana- no last name like Prince or Madonna

Reg-E February 22, 2009

Aarrrrghh!! I HATE the mail heuristics that supports this site. Let’s try this again…

@ It’s just Tatiana- no last name like Prince or Madonna…

Now see? THAT’s the response of a true icon. Subtly reinforcing her name brand and presence while at the same time totally rejecting ANY acknowledgment of her upstart rival.

Now I’m curious to see if the Lady J will wilt in the FIERCENESS that is Tatiana or rise resplendent in her own majesty and usurp the throne.

This should prove interesting…Either way, I await the bidding of the ‘She who is Queen.’

:-P

MOTU April 7, 2009

I think spamers should be shot and I’m NOT kidding.

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